Marriage is hard.
At least, I think it is. It might just be me.
Mike and I are slowly coming around from an argument that simmered along for three days. The details of the squabble aren't important because like most arguments, what we were arguing about wasn't actually what we were mad about. No, it was a hundred injustices and perceived slights all held in, waiting to spill out when someone dares to leave a sock on the floor or forgets to drop off a library book.
If you saw us between Saturday afternoon and Tuesday evening, you probably had no idea. We are just fine and dandy in the midst of good company . . . but as soon as the audience was gone the icy silence crept in. Polite and restrained in front of the kids of course, not that they aren't smart enough to figure out that something about Mommy and Daddy is off.
Thankfully we're not yellers by nature, and after three days of holding our grudges we were too tired to play along anymore. So we lay in bed in complete darkness and put it all out there. Too tired to raise our voices or fire barbs at each other, just ready to be done with it and to hopefully learn something in the process.
And this is where I wonder if marriage really is hard, or if it's just us.
I used to love taking those quizzes in Cosmo and Oprah magazines. You'd answer the questions, tally your As,Bs, Cs and Ds and lo and behold – your deepest questions about yourself and your mate answered!
I wish there was one for the general state of a marriage. You'd answer questions like "When was your last big argument?" "How often during a typical week do you say 'I love you'" and "How many times a month do you make love?" Tally up your answers and find out whether you're destined for the Couples Hall of Fame or if it's time to start saving up for that divorce lawyer.
It's not polite to quiz your friends and acquaintances on the state of their marriage, and so we're left fumbling and wondering what a real, normal marriage looks like.
I can't imagine that it's always terribly easy for everyone. We all bring our own baggage and expectations into a marriage. It takes a lot of love and patience and energy to grow a healthy relationship between two people. I'd like to think that after a certain amount of time (almost 14 years for us!), we get a little complacent about putting in the daily kindnesses that feed a strong marriage. Slacking in that area, combined with the general exhaustion of working and parenting small children, has to take a toll.
Not that I'd wish strife upon any couple, but I'd like to think that these rough patches? They are what most couples at our age and stage are struggling with right now. That this is simply a season in a marriage, not that we're fundamentally weak as a couple – that we're not now, nor will we ever be, a truly good fit.
I feel like I can't end this piece without having it noted that none of this means we're contemplating an end to a marriage. A silly argument led to days of simmering which led to plenty of time to think about the amount of effort it takes to make a good marriage.
I take my vows seriously. If it came down to knowing ideally matched couples didn't spend the same kind of energy trying to get along? It wouldn't change anything for me. I'd gladly put the work in. Because as mismatched as we might be, as broken and stubborn as we came into this marriage? I love my husband. He takes care of me. He's an amazing father. He makes me laugh. He's great at parties.
But still, I'd like to know if it's like this for most couples.
It's like when I finally figured out that pretty much everyone I know struggles with finances a bit. It didn't make sticking to a budget or paying off our debt any more pleasant, but it made it easier to plod along knowing that we weren't the only ones. We weren't weird or doing it all wrong, we were just human. We were normal.
And so, if you're brave enough or willing to share, do you struggle too? Is it easy to love, but hard to be married? Or is it just me.
Katy@ThoughtForFood says
Marriage is hard. I am willing to grant that it’s harder for some than others — sometimes it feels as though mine must be the hardest one, ever. But I stand by my observation that if anyone says it’s not, they’re either lying or living in denial.
It’s constant work, in an environment when most everything we read/see tells us it shouldn’t be. Even though the divorce rate tells us otherwise. Even when the perfect Hollywood couple, the one that actually has it together, finally splits (let’s all keep cheering for Tom Hanks and his wife).
We have had the good fortune of knowing three couples who have been our go-to friends when our marriage was on the rocks (again, not in a divorce-court sense, b/c like you, it’s just not an option). We would do the same for them. It’s rare to have those friends (I have no idea how we managed to end up with three sets, and they were all from the same city), but worth it to find them. You have to share the same ideals about marriage and its purpose, and you have to all like each other. You have to bear one another’s burdens, not just one-way. It’s such a great gift, we’ve at times resorted to long-distance counseling sessions with these couples.
So, in short, it’s not just you. You are just one of the rare ones who admits it ; )
Michelle @Gotchababy says
Oh trust me, my friend, it is not just you! I think parenting, while it gives you more in common, stretches most relationships in so many ways it hard to know where to begin.
When we were first married, good friends of ours were also newlyweds who lived a mile down the road. Right when we were ready to kill each other over painting the townhouse, they rang on our doorbell with sandwiches and beer. There were countless ways we saved each other for the three years they lived near us.I think it’s harder when kids are involved to get that close to another couple, just because there are always kids underfoot. But hang long enough with any family, and you’ll see that there are rough spots in any relationship.
I think a fly on most couple’s walls would tell tales with parallels to yours… it’s not all rainbows and unicorns, that’s for sure. So to echo Katy, no, it’s not just you!!
Amo says
Oh honey, you’re not alone. I have been dealing with the realization that the man I married isn’t the man I am with now. I know that we have both changed, and I have never been one to shy away from change; but one of us has gotten more independent and one of us has viewed that independence as ‘distancing’ from them. This perceived distancing has brought about an insecurity that is neither healthy or attractive. (You know as well as I do what happens in a marriage when there is emotional tension that results in unattractiveness…) So then THAT becomes an argument and THAT feeds the distancing. Thus a vicious cycle is born.
I don’t have a solution, obviously, but am here with you. Fighting my own demons from the other side of the country.
Much love and support.
punkinmama says
I think the way you guys handled things speaks volumes. You didn’t yell. You didn’t tear each other down. You talked. And hashed it out. And were willing to learn from the experience/each other.
I think it’s normal to get frustrated with each other. To get annoyed by “little things”. But I really think it’s the way you handle it that makes all the difference.
Jess R. says
You’ve heard my story about when Joe made me cry at the Colts game, right? It’s NOT just you. Thankfully, our arguments seem to be few and far-between. But part of that is likely due to the fact that we’ve only been married HALF as long as you, so we’re still relatively polite to each other (except for the aforementioned Colts game incident). (And not that you guys are impolite to each other, but you know what I mean.) That said, it sounds like you and Mike know how to handle yourselves appropriately in a disagreement, so we’ll be looking to you for advice as we get more years under our belt. 🙂
Angie Six says
I haven't heard this story, as far as I can remember. Now I'm intrigued. I'm always kind of interested in what other couples argue about, mostly because it's so random. What sets Mike and I off into a frenzy couldn't possibly bother another couple. What hacks you off may be just another day in paradise over here. I think the our polite factor went down a couple of notches after we had kids. I spend so much time speaking positively to the kids and using those freakin' "I feel" statements that when Mike says something that rubs me the wrong way I tend to snap at him. Anywho, I'm glad you would turn to us for advice, as opposed to thinking we were a couple of good fights away from divorce court.
Cherie from Queen of Free says
Never alone my dear friend, never ever alone. I can’t seem to place it but once heard Beth Moore say that there is no such thing as a “great” marriage. Only a good marriage. And good is truly good enough. Great marriages are projections of what we think others do. When in all reality it’s imagined. Good is good. And I’m happy to have a good marriage, bumps, bruises, disagreements, and all. Keep fighting the good fight.
Nicole Arney says
You are certainly not alone. I consider Brian and I to have a good marriage, but it has not been without its challenges along the way. It is always refreshing to know that we aren’t the only ones facing such challenges.
victoria winters says
After 16 years, a 3-year-old, and a baby on the way, I can say that it’s not always easy but I’d have it no other way. Do we fight? Sure. Do I find him unattractive sometimes (and probably vice a versa)? Sure. But underneath it all he’s still my best friend and life companion. Just keep on talking out your feelings and being honest. If you need to seek out marriage counseling. We’ve done it a few times and with the right therapist, it really works wonders.
Big hugs and know you are NOT alone.
Nicole Arney says
I thought of one more thing. We tend to argue the most when one or both of us is extra busy and we have had very little time to spend together. It seems like I can always tell when Brian is extra stressed by work, although he tries hard not to let that affect him at home.
Eternal Lizdom says
Sometimes, it’s easy. Sometimes, it’s hard. For us, we have ups and downs. Thankfully, our downs don’t usually end up too far down. We have had a few Big Fights. But we are both seriously committed to making it work and to making it work in a loving and healthy and happy way- giving our kids examples to follow that we didn’t have.
Just Heather says
Marriage is so hard. Meshing two people with different personalities and background is HARD.
We struggle. I’m pretty sure everyone does. Some are just more open about it than others.
Sarah Partain says
Marriage IS hard! BUT, it’s also what works in us to make us better people, to “burn off the dross.” We are selfish sinful people, so yes, it will always be hard. But keep sharing, keep talking and stay soft!
Angie Six says
Oh yeah, that "other" thing plays into the tension at times, too. Thanks for sharing. Lots of love and support right back atcha.
Angie Six says
Man, I wish marriage counseling was covered in the average health insurance plan. I think every married couple could probably benefit from a couple of sessions a year, no matter where they are in their marriage. We've done that before and it's so helpful. Thanks for sharing!
Angie Six says
Definitely true, Nicole. That's been huge for me to understand, as a stay-at-home parent: recognizing that he can get stressed at work and bring it home and letting him have that space to be frazzled and grumpy. We always do better when we have one or two date nights scheduled a month. Thanks so much for sharing.
Angie Six says
I've always appreciated your honesty about your own marriage, both in your blog and in real life. It's not always easy to share that not-so-pretty part of our lives, but I really think it's a blessing to others.
Cris says
Angie- I just stumbled onto you site. I am a fellow Indy blogger.
Your story touched me as I have been right where you are… including the part about wondering if it was just us. It isn’t. And, your right… not many people talk about it.
For a long time we struggled–even contemplated divorce, but eventually it got a lot better and today–while it isn’t perfect by any means– I can truly say that it was worth all the hard work and we have a solid marriage, partnership and he really is my best friend.
I vowed after making it through 2 VERY rough years with no one to talk to, to always be honest with folks when it came to our marriage. I would have given anything for someone to tell me they had been through it and came out on the other side.
Just Heather says
Thank you! It wasn’t always that way. We struggled in silence for years. When we finally started talking about it more openly, we got a lot of shock that our “perfect couple” would have marital issues. That’s when I really realized that hiding it was doing no one any good. Being open not only lets others know they aren’t alone in their issues, but it allows those around you to offer the support you need. Friends & family can’t help if they don’t know there’s a problem.
Angie Six says
Thanks for sharing, Cris. It definitely looks like I've hit a nerve here, that many of us have felt like we were alone in having a marriage that could be a bit rocky at times. I love getting to know other Indy bloggers – we have quite a talented group around here! I've added your blog to my reader – looking forward to getting to know you better through your blog.
audrey says
What a great post – nobody ever talks about this. I, sadly, was not given a choice in my first marriage. It ended before it began. He simply didn’t want to put in the work. yeah, we had our problems, but nothing major. And so now I am back into the world of dating, hoping and praying that my second marriage is everything both of us need it to be. As my bf says, I will NOT be divorced a second time.
Erin Stephan says
Sorry for the late chime-in. It’s one of those weeks. But this has been on my mind since I read it:
“For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self-sacrifice” – John Burroughs
Angie Six says
That's a keeper. Need to have that somewhere I can see it on a regular basis. Thanks for chiming in, friend.