I’m sitting on a giant pink ottoman just outside of a row of dressing rooms in Justice. Inside the dressing room, Elena is putting together yet another outfit of her own making. We’ve come here for one shirt, but that didn’t stop her from filling her arms with bedazzled frocks and pleading for a chance to “just see.”
We have time to spare, so I indulge her. While I wait for the next installment of this mini fashion show, I gaze around the store. At the girls and their mothers perusing the racks. At the clothing and accessories on display.
I feel something I can’t quite wrap my head around – a mixture of dread and melancholy and annoyance.
I dread what is coming – the years of shopping in these kinds of stores, of saying no to clothing I’m not ready to see on my daughter’s too-young body, of the battles yet unwaged, of the overdramatic sighs and eye-rolling these shopping trips will provoke.
I’m sad and a bit wistful for the the days spent shopping in stores where cartoons played instead of bubblegum pop. Where dresses came in bright, happy colors. Where shirts were decorated with embroidered rainbows and bore cute phrases like “Flowers Make Me Smile,” not airbrushed with such nuggets as “I’m a Math Whiz: Chill + Relax = Chillax.”
I’m annoyed that this is where we are in this day and age: a place where it is no longer expected that a child act (and dress) in a manner that is actually age-appropriate. As our girls outgrow Gymboree, Dora and Amelia Bedelia, what is waiting for them? I find few choices that allow for Elena to stretch herself a little and yet still remain the child that she actually is. Instead it’s a barrage of things better suited for a teenager: stores that peddle make-up, bikinis and skinny jeans, shows that talk about dating and kissing, magazines plastered with Justin Beiber and Ke$ha.
Every where I turn, it feels as if we’re encouraging our girls to try on things, whether they be clothing, make-up, images, lyrics or words, that they just aren’t ready for. It’s as if we’re asking them to drive a car before they can fully reach the pedals – they can manage for a bit, swerving this way and that, before they come to a halting crash. And so they manage for a bit with the sexualized and mature things they’re showered with, but somewhere, somehow it’s going to damage them.
If 8 is the new 13 and 50 is the new 40, how long until we’re all just dying to be 21?
Elena comes out of the dressing room modeling jeggings (jean leggings for the rest of us), and a v-neck shirt with a lace-trimmed cami underneath. She tells me that she’s been getting fashion lessons, and that camis are very cool and isn’t the color of this cami just beautiful? She throws around the word cami with the ease of an adult stylist. I’m pretty sure I didn’t know what a cami was or own one until after I was married.
As I help her get things back on their proper hangers, I remind her that we are here for one shirt, and one shirt only. We go through the pile one by one, and settle on an acceptable striped shirt. She is denied the cami, but she’s fine with it.
As if to remind me that maybe I should slow down with my “The End of Childhood As We Know It!” hysteria, I see her for what she is right now: an 8-year-old girl who is too old for playdresses with leggings, but not far enough gone to warrant a fight over mini skirts and lacy tank tops.
But I feel as if the only thing that keeps us from crossing that fine line is the vigilance with which we monitor what she sees, hears and wears. What about the girls who don’t have someone to look after their girlhood with the same fervor?
I don’t have the answers. I only know that it bothers me, deeply. I wonder what difference it might make if we collectively agreed to stop pushing the adult stuff on our teenagers, the teen stuff on our pre-teens and the elementary stuff on our preschoolers. What if we just let them be? I don’t know, but I would certainly like to.
So what do you think? Am I getting all prudish and Chicken Little-esque here? Or do you feel it, too? Those of you with older girls, what things do you recommend (to wear, read, see or do) that can help them feel bigger without compromising their girlhood?
If you’re interested in reading further, I suggest this article in Redbook (Little Girls Gone Wild: Why Daughters are Acting Too Sexy, Too Soon) and this interview with author Peggy Orenstein on NPR (Saving Our Daughters From an Army of Princesses). I read them both within days of our visit to Justice, and the combo of all three opened up this proverbial can of worms for me.
Oh, crap. I’m afraid the fashion lessons have come from my child, via her actually 13-year-old sister. Sorry about that!
I have always struggled with this same issue, though. How much do you let them grow up, while they’re still just children? There’s a reason the marketing folks have labeled the tween years – they really are just so in between. No more ribbons & Barbies, baby dolls & braids. They want fashion, iPods and video games.
I have no answers, but I feel your pain.
AMEN sistah – preach it! My 8 year old is quickly growing out of the 10-12 Gymboree – and then what to do? I have found other brands that I approve of, but they are EXPENSIVE (and no cool Gymbucks with those).
I dress very modestly so I think that I (we – you and me) model for our daughters what is comfortable and what is appropirate. I once asked a friend how she got her daughter to love to wear dresses every day, and her answer was “she has no other options”. Although I’m not sure about that approach, I agree that if we simply don’t allow the 9 year old hootchie mamma attire in our daughters wardrobes, we’ll be OK. They will be OK. I think at this age we can still guide them to make good choices…at least, that is what I tell myself and how I get to sleep at night!
Oh friend, I see this all around. While it makes me a little crazy that my 5 yr almost exclusively wears long fancy dresses, I’ve decided to savor it. She still likes Dora, and has gotten crap for it at school, and it makes me mad.
I think your right that all of childhood seems sped up, and yet becoming an adult has slowed down, so the mid 20’s must be where it’s at.
Many moms of girls I know lament the same things– where do you find appropriate clothes, in an appropriate environment? Is it reasonable to just NEVER go to the mall with your kids? Ever? That’s been my approach so far 🙂
I completely understand and relate to how you are feeling. My daughter, Hannah, is 7. She is already wearing many 10/12’s. Shopping at Gymboree, or even Childrens Place, isn’t even going to be an option much longer. I had such a hard time finding clothes to fit her this fall that I caved into letting her get certain styles of clothing I previously had resisted due to the fact it seemed too grown up for her age.
I beg all of you to march onward and be firm. I’m coming from the vantage of the mother of teenage boys. Males are wired visually. (Yes, they will look up the dress of every mannequin if allowed!) Girls may not have a clue of the message they send by their attire. You mothers do, however. Preach it to them now. Let them strive to set themselves apart by drawing attention to their smarts, skills, personality, integrity, loyalty, belief in God, strong family bonds. Anything but the physical which will never measure up, and will eventually fade, leaving them withb a feeling of constant inadequacy. Oh you’ll quarrel. You need to choose – battle now or war later? Rolled eyes, silent treatment now or the chance later to be viewed as wise, with her best interest in mind?
my 11 year old niece put on bright red lipstick for her profile pic on her facebook page. what’s worse, the red lipstick, or the fb page? and i always say if i have a daughter, she will NOT wear anything with “juicy” (or any other wording) on her behind.
you are not prudish, and your desire to balance Elena’s independence with your motherly advice will prevail.
and i pose another question – what attitudes do other cultures (hispanic, african american) have about this subject? how about parents of lower SES?
I'm impressed that you've been able to keep her happy at Gymboree. Elena likes some of the stuff, but I definitely need to take her with me now. I've come home one too many times with things she doesn't want to wear. I hear ya on the other brands, too. Some of my favorites are Mini Boden, Tea Collection and Garnet Hill. We both like a lot of their styles, but hoo boy, they aren't cheap.
I agree, I think what we model and what we allow will nip most issues in the bud, but that's where the dread comes in. There's going to be a lot of complaining around here that we don't have a clue what it's like to be a kid/tween/teenager in our future!
They might have, but keep in mind she also has a 14-year-old cousin (hence the make-up in the picture above). It's what girls like to do, for the most part, and for playing around at home I'm ok with it. I feel for you, and other moms, who have girls that are more than a year or two apart. I imagine keeping the younger siblings, well, younger, can be a challenge. I don't know how much of a battle it is in your house, but I look at your oldest and think about what a good job you guys are doing with her. She dresses cute but modestly, she's so polite, and she seems to be in to exactly what girls her age should be in to – nothing more, nothing less. If you ever feel like sharing how you've handled some of those things, I know there are a lot of us with younger girls that would love to hear your stories!
Oh the 8 year old. Justice makes me want to either throw up or have a seizure everytime I’m in there with the Eldest Princess, also 8, also loves it. We go there in small limited amounts with a budget of course.
I’ve been reading this series about the book Cinderella Ate My Daughter (haven’t read the book but the review series on the blog is good). http://fulleryouthinstitute.org/tag/girls/
Well, I do 80% of my shopping alone. It gives Elena some choice, but definitely helps me pick my battles. Sometimes my choices are a flop, but for the most part it's consignment stuff, so it was pretty inexpensive and I can just turn around and resell it. Enjoy this phase you're in as long as it lasts! My childhood friend and I were just discussing how we enjoyed playing with our dollhouses well into 5th grade. So maybe we weren't the coolest kids around, but I think our parents did a good job of encouraging relationships with other girls who shared similar interests.
Nicole, you might check into some of the brands I mentioned in replying to Kathy's comment. They aren't cheap, but not much more than Gymboree. I've had luck finding some of those brands on sale or at consignment sales. I'd love to hear other suggestions for reasonably priced brands of clothing that aren't, for lack of a better word, so hoochie.
I'm so glad you weighed in as a mother of boys! I imagine mothers of boys everywhere would appreciate the effort to keep our daughters dressed appropriately.
It's funny that you mention looking under mannequin's skirts. I'm reading Inkheart to Elena right now, and the other night there was a scene in which one of the bad guys tries to look up a girl's skirt. Elena was all like, "Why would he want to do that?" I was relieved that we weren't at the point where she knew exactly what he was looking for.
Ha! One instance where I particularly love the budget. Sorry honey, that outfit just isn't in our budget! Dave Ramsey says, so if you want to be mad at somebody, be mad at him. Thanks for the link, I'll be checking it out for sure.
Good question, Audrey. Maybe someone can weigh in? Something we've touched on here already is the lack of age-appropriate clothing choices that are on the inexpensive side (other than shopping second-hand or consignment). I wonder if the combination of cheaper clothes being more maturely styled and those in minorities or lower SES feeling on the fringe is a bad one? Meaning they can afford these clothes that are trendy, and it buys them some popularity or attention, but for all the wrong reasons? Just a thought.
Thanks, Angie. That means a lot. I probably don’t need to tell another mother how often I feel like I’m screwing it up, so it’s nice to hear someone thinks I’m doing something right!
I’m going to try getting some thoughts together on this for another post soon.
I hear ya on Justice! 🙂 Overpriced for the quality of their stuff!
I couldn’t agree more and I don’t even have a daughter. But now that aunt suzy weighed in, I’ll be over here in the corner worrying about the visuals that Punkin has to endure from the girls he encounters. Thankfully, for now, he’s in a school with uniforms. But even church isn’t safe anymore! I shake my head in horror many times at what teens and women in their 20s (and probably older) think is acceptable attire for Sunday morning! Yikes!
If 8 is the new 13, 4 is the new 8. I can’t believe how quickly my not-quite-five-year-old is embracing things that make her look far too old. And I echo the Gymboree cry. Her closet is full of cutesy puppy dog sweaters she will no longer wear. I am suddenly thrilled by the prospect of a kindergarten that insists on uniforms!
Last night I took my almost-7-year-old to Macy’s to look for an Easter dress. They had beautiful dresses for little girls in the 4-6x department. But for girls who wear size 7? As my grandmother (who was shopping with us and was possibly more appalled than I was) put it, “negligees.” It was AWFUL. My daughter tried on a couple dresses, the ones that seemed like they might be ok, and the way they were cut just made them inappropriate. She loved them, of course. I expected to disagree with her when we were picking out prom dresses, but I didn’t see it coming with Easter dresses!
The whole “tween” thing is really dangerous, in my opinion. Nine year olds aren’t quasi-teenagers, they are little girls.
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