If you walked into our home around 5:45 p.m. yesterday, you would’ve found a Normal Rockwell-esque scene.
Mike was preparing dinner for the four of us. I was setting the table and pouring drinks. Elena and Eli were sitting together on the couch, nary a screen in sight, holding hands. That’s what 5:45 p.m. looks like in everyone’s house, right?
What you wouldn’t have witnessed, just a few minutes before, was the sight of my beloved children trying to tear each other apart from limb to limb over a fake dollar bill that came in the mail. I don’t remember Normal Rockwell painting any sentimental favorites of children trying to kill each other over counterfeit money. Or maybe I missed that one.
The imposed punishment for the little heathens? Spend the rest of the time until dinner was ready holding hands on the couch. For any instance of squabbling or attempt to maim the other, another minute would be added to forced family affection. It seemed to work, and they got along swimmingly for the rest of the evening. Still, I know the next showdown is just around the corner.
When it comes to dealing with sibling rivalry, Mike and I are dumbfounded and completely unprepared. Mike is an only child. I have 3 older siblings, but the age difference is large – I’m the youngest by 11 years. Mike’s mother never had to deal with it. By the time I was old enough to remember how my parents handled it, my siblings were moving out to start lives of their own. I think their general philosophy was “She’s the baby. Leave her alone.” As much as Eli would love me to adopt this sage parenting practice, I don’t think it would be our best tactic.
With a five-year age difference, I’m sure we face a different dynamic than those of you who have your children spaced more closely together. Days can pass when they’re barely in the same room, off doing their own thing with their own friends. Then there are the days when they can’t be in the same room without always crossing that proverbial line, poking and egging each other on for the sheer entertainment of it. And then there are those blissful, rare moments when they engage with each other and enjoy each other’s company.
So rare it had to be captured on film, just to prove they do love each other.
You have no choice in your siblings and I’m not so naive as to think they should be good friends or always get along. I don’t even expect them to play together much. They are as different as can be – in age, gender, interests and personalities. But I do expect them to love each other, to respect each other, and to stick up for each other. And above all, to refrain from sending anyone to the ER over funny money or the extra marshmallows you think the other one got in their bowl of Lucky Charms. Is that too much to ask?
I think not. And if it is? I hope they’re ready for a lot more forced family affection. If they can dish it out they better be ready to hug it out! Or maybe this would be a better tactic:
Cone of shame for naughty siblings! Yes! I think I even saw it in a Norman Rockwell painting once.
Do your kids fight a lot, too? Did you fight with your siblings and end up getting along just fine as grownups? Or is it just one big happy Norman Rockwell painting for you every day?
Hey Angie… Have you ever read the book “Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends?” It totally changed how I view the kids getting (and NOT) getting along. Our family members are the ones that will be in our lives for the long haul. Chances are, your kids’ friends now will change many times over in the next few years, and probably very few if any will stay with them into adulthood. The book presents rationales for WHY it’s so hard to get along with our siblings, likening it to a marathon race and comparing other friendships to sprints. It is easy to get along with kids in short spurts, to be forgiving of faults, etc. when it’s not day in and day out ALL THE TIME. But, I have learned that guiding the kids in changing how they view their relationships with one another is a lifetime investment with endless dividends. I still remember Josh saying that Jacob couldn’t be his friend because, “HE’S MY BROTHER!!!” Thankfully, now they consider each other best friends. And really, with a perspective change… how cool is it to have one of your BEST friends living with you and able to spend time with EVERY day??? Believing that God designed our family, the kids are challenged to see that God deliberately put these 3 kids together with us and we need to honor that design in working hard to love one another… as kids and beyond. I also think that setting the bar higher for their relationships with one another will hopefully make them better roommates and better spouses in the future. Good Luck over there!! 🙂
I’ve never heard of the book, but it sounds really interesting. I often ask them to reflect on the way Mike and I treat each other. Do we always agree or want to do the same thing? No. Do we sometimes get frustrated with each other? Yes. Do we grab, hit, poke, yell or call each other names? (That often elicits giggles, because they can’t ever imagine it.) And so I encourage them to treat each other with the same respect and love that Mike and I show for each other. But apparently all bets are off when it comes to fake money! Thanks for your insight!
Howdy! Love the Rockwell parallel. You may like “Siblings Without Rivalry,” by Adele Faber. I haven’t quite finished it yet but can drop it off when I am done.
Sadly, I own the book but never got through it. In my defense, I think I started it when Eli was too young. I was trying to be proactive, but didn’t find it to be applicable. Silly me, I thought it was because my parenting skills were just that wonderful. Turns out it was because Eli couldn’t really walk or talk yet! I think it’s time to dust it off, though!